The grief condition
I hate to break it to you… but nothing can take away the pain you’re experiencing… nothing…
Over time you will learn to live with it… like a scar that cut your heart in two… it will heal; it will mend… but there will always be a scar… scar tissue… it will never be quite the same again… sometimes it will ache… like arthritis aches on a cold day….
Like back pain it will niggle…you’ll be careful about the way you begin to move lest you “set it off” / trigger it… you may even get so good at “moving differently” that it becomes unconscious … but you will still get spasms from time to time which stop you from moving, which take your breath away - especially in quieter moments when something reminds you - a moment, a place, a person. You will need to get through the moment - reminisce, breath, cry… like an asthmatic - who takes their ventolin to help the moment pass…
Diabetes is a lifelong, chronic condition which is often managed with insulin - you don’t “get better” from it - you live with it. Over time you learn to manage it - exercise, eating healthy, not having too much sugar, taking your medication… If you look after yourself and do the right things you should be ok…. But if you don’t manage it, unchecked diabetes can kill you.
Grief is sort of like that… you work out what helps to keep it under control… And you learn what triggers you… except that it’s not sugar - it’s things like music or scents or a thoughtless comment or a birthday or anniversary. But yes… heavy, unchecked, untreated grief can kill you too (if not physically, then metaphorically).
Grief affects your body, mind, heart and soul the same way chronic disease / conditions do… You can feel the pain in your heart, the tension in your muscles, the ache in your bones. It affects your mind, takes you to dark, bleak places where the sun doesn’t shine, affects your ability to think straight and to concentrate. It affects your soul.
Yet… Would we ever say to a diabetic or an asthmatic or even to a soldier with PTSD… “I think you’ve had this for long enough…” “is it still affecting you?” “It’s time to move on” “to get over it…” No… and yet, we do this to people who are grieving. Well meaning and sometimes not so well meaning comments… like “It’s time to find a new man…” to a grieving widow… Comments like “most kids get to practice with a pet first” to a mother whose child’s father had just passed away. Companies have bereavement leave policies which allow for 3 days off after the passing of a loved one. 3 days… Really…
We expect so much of ourselves and each other. We get despondent when we’re not “better yet.” It’s not realistic.
Why? Because people don’t want to acknowledge that this level of pain actually exists… and they definitely don’t want to acknowledge that at some point we will all feel like this. Everyone, at some point will go through it - it might be the death of a parent at any age, or a best friend or a child or a life partner. Everyone will go through it.
We need to Acknowledge the effects of grief… we need to work together, to heal together. You have lost a person, a dream, a love, a future, a … and it’s ok to feel like crap… It’s ok to struggle through the day. It’s ok to have moments where the grief washes over you.
Over time you will learn to manage your new “grief condition.”
They say to live life in the moment… but that is precisely what you’ve lost… and maybe that’s why it hurts so much… You’ve lost someone that you make moments with… past moments that you would reminisce about and ALL, ALL of the future moments…
Over time you can flourish again - live a full, meaningful life. Not exactly the life you thought you’d have when the journey commenced, but a good life nonetheless. Oh… But sometimes, sometimes on some days there are still going to be moments; moments where you can’t breathe; when scar tissue will ache; bones will creak and need to be stretched. Just like any chronic “real” medical condition it will be lifelong - you will need to manage it; live with it. And that… that is what makes us all human.
Grief is the price of love.
Our Circuit Breaker cards include 150+ easy prompts to break the circuit of grief
