“They wouldn’t want you to be sad”
When someone close to you dies…
Firstly you learn that there actually “are no words”…
Really… “there are not sufficient words” to let a grieving person know how much you wish you could truly sit in their pain with them… and also how much you wish you could take the pain away from them.
Secondly… you realise that some people say dumb things… some clumsily, some callously… mostly clumsily…
“They wouldn’t want you to be sad” is one of those clumsy things….
I don’t think it’s what people actually mean…
Ok - let’s face it… you’re gonna be sad.
I’m still sad my husband died. I think I always will be. Some days it doesn’t get to me. I can keep going. Keep moving. Some days it still kicks me, like a horse has kicked me in the guts.
My kids are sad that their dad died. And I think they’ll have sad moments throughout their lives. Moments they get sad because they wish daddy was here…
I tell my kids…
It’s OK to be sad.
It’s OK to go through a whole box of tissues blubbering.
It’s OK to ugly cry - the kind where your face is red and you have snot coming out of your nose and you struggle to breathe for a minute (I like to make my kids laugh).
It’s OK to scream.
It’s OK to pretend that your pillow is cancer and smash it against the wall.
It’s OK to spend the whole day in your pyjamas in bed (my kids aren’t into that sort of thing yet, but I hear some teenagers are great at it). It’s also really not possible to do this as an adult who really would like to, when you have children who can’t feed themselves yet (lol!)
You are going to be sad. Acknowledge it. Own it. Feel the emotion. Like a wave - ride it.
You are going to be sad regardless of whether “they would’ve wanted you to be sad” or not…
I say to my kids “it’s totally OK to be sad… feel the sadness… but what daddy wouldn’t want… is for us to stay stuck in the sadness… He wouldn’t want us to stop living life…”
I think what people actually mean when they say that “they wouldn’t want you to be sad” is… that your loved one wouldn’t want the sadness to stop you.
Stop you from living life.
Stop you from doing the things that you love.
Stop you from having experiences.
Stop you from trying.
Stop you from taking chances.
Stop you from exploring.
Stop you from giving things a go.
I think what people really mean is “Your person wouldn’t want your sadness to stop you from living life.”
Sometimes we can get “stuck in the sadness”
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